Tag: Respect

CDXX – Respect

Updated 19 January 2023 to incorporate ideas David the Barbarian presented in the comments

Today I’m thinking about Respect. What even is Respect?

There’s a lot of thoughts out there about what respect is, and who ought to get it. Here I will be offering my thoughts on respect, and elaborations on what disrespect looks like.

So, before I get into my framework, what is respect? Respect is an umbrella word for decent, civil behavior. People frequently say “respect has to be earned” or they’ll use language like “I don’t respect you unless…”–I am sure you can think of numerous examples from your own experience.

First, let’s be crystal clear on what respect is. To respect someone does not mean to hand them a Medal of Honor, distinguishing them among mortals as someone you look up to. Basic respect means you behave decently and civilly towards a person. It is more like an open-mic night. Anyone may approach the microphone–everyone ought to get your basic respect. When they spend their time at the microphone proving themselves foul and unpleasant, you have license to remove them from the microphone and to avoid them. To respect someone is to treat them with basic decent, civil behavior. To disrespect someone is to treat them with indecent, uncivil behavior. There is no neutral territory here. You are either respectful of others, or you are not.

An outlier case in how the word is used, is sometimes respect is used to connote admiration or appreciation. “I really respect how you raised money for those orphans.” Admiration or appreciation is a medal of honor you get to hand out for extraordinary deeds. Not everyone gets to have your admiration and appreciation. The confusion of Respect (basic decency and civility) with admiration and appreciation has caused people to think that Respect is a treasured gift and ought to be handed out sparingly. My argument here is that Everyone deserves your basic respect. Continued respect is earned. Disrespect is never permissible.

Let’s get into the framework.

Basic Respect is the minimum respect everyone gets by virtue of their humanity. Every individual, no matter how fair or foul, was created by God. Treat them as you would treat a special and unique creation of God, because that is what they are. Respect, as decent and civil behavior, means that you ought to behave decently and civilly to all people. Disrespect of this kind means to be a jerk to people because they have not proven themselves to you yet. “My respect is earned, not given” means that your basic approach to people is to be disrespectful until you are given a reason to respect them. This is backwards, and belies a high estimation of oneself: “People ought to clamor for my respect, which is highly valued, and if they do not clamor for it I shall deny them this respect.” No–Respect must be given to everyone and anyone, you must treat everyone with decency and civility, no exceptions.

Respect Authority is actually a conceptual inversion of obedience. Rather than owing a unilateral duty of obedience to some authority, you instead frame it as “respecting authority” to comply with their mandates. Obedience is both voluntary and mandatory, and however you frame it, respect of authority entails obedience and deference to that authority. We ought to behave with decency and civility to our authorities and we ought to give them some measure of the benefit of the doubt. Our default reaction ought to be compliance with their mandates. Disrespect of authority means to flout their mandates, to not treat them with decency or civility, or to assume ill will unless proven otherwise. It belies a preference for ones own decisions and a begrudging disposition to any imposition contrary to ones own preferences. Authority must be given respect in order to have a peaceful and stable society. This includes any kind of authority.

Respect Relationships–this can be broken into three levels. Relationships between authorities–like a husband and wife, a mentor, parents, Governors, etc; relationships between peers–like colleagues, teammates, siblings, business partners, diplomatic partners; relationships to ones subordinates–like children, students, mentees, soldiers, etc. At all three levels, basic decent and civil behavior must be the baseline upon which the relationship is built. If a husband tries to bulldoze his wife, if a teacher doesn’t listen at least sometimes to his students, if two negotiating parties at a peace conference fail to treat each other with civility and decency, everything breaks down. Relationships bind us together. And this is the first level where we get a sense of respect “down”–where not only must we have a sense of decency and civility, but also custodial care for those subject to us. Respect is, at this level, a duty. A parent must give his children the respect of clean clothes and hot food and a roof over their heads. Disrespect of relationship means a failure to behave with basic decency and civility; a failure to take seriously the duty of custodial care; a desire to be deferred to first before respect is given to ones counterpart.

Respect Age because respecting ones elders is a component of basic decent and civil behavior. Unfortunately, Age does not automatically mean wisdom, so remember the open-mic analogy. Everyone–especially elders–may approach your open microphone. If they prove themselves unkind, immoral, unjust, or otherwise unpleasant while at the microphone, that is not license for disrespect. Prefer silence or separation to argument. Disrespect of age may mean ignoring an elder who is pontificating, or being impatient or rude with an elder who may have trouble speaking or moving or thinking. Just because they are older does not mean they are unworthy of our respect.

Respect Experience because experience of any variety can contain valuable lessons. Listen to someone who is more experienced and who is trying to teach you something. It behooves us to be open to any information that might aid us on this common journey of life. Those who are more experienced than us are like trail-guides who can warn us of common obstacles. However–some people are experienced in immorality, indecency, or injustice. If they prove themselves to be experienced in these things, again–it is not license to be disrespectful. Prefer silence or separation to argument. Disrespect of experience may mean thinking that we know it all already, or that we’ve heard it all before. It belies a high estimation of ourselves, and not the humility to listen and learn.

Respect Illusions–this may be my most controversial addition to this list, but bear with me. When people tell you who they are, listen to them and do not correct them. When people tell you what they believe, they are telling you about the world they live in. It will, more often than not, be a different world from the one you occupy. Let people be wrong. If you try to disabuse them of their illusions, they will resent you immediately. If you have a privileged relationship with your interlocutor, then you may gently–respectfully even–educate them and guide them towards the straight and narrow. But do not take it upon yourself to tear down other people’s illusions–they will neither appreciate it nor accept it, unless your relationship, perhaps even their respect for you, allows you to guide them to truth. Disrespect of illusions is like telling children Santa isn’t real–it might be true, but it isn’t nice. Choose to be nice. Choose to behave with decency and civility.

Respect Yourself–this means both that you ought to respect yourself enough to behave with decency and civility, and to not accept indecency or incivility from others. It should mean that you prefer silence and separation to confrontation, and that your respect to others is freely given, and your admiration is a rare treasure. Disrespect of yourself means that you do not behave this way, you react with disrespect when faced with disrespect, or that you don’t consider yourself worthy of basic human dignity.

Respect Sex – Men, respect women because they are women. Men, respect other men because they are men. Women, respect men because they are men. Women, respect other women because they are women. You don’t need to know anything more about a person other than their gender to know that you ought to respect them. This covers two kinds of respect: behave with decency and civility towards your interlocutor of any gender; behave with deference to the opposite gender. Men, treat women with deference: they are the fairer sex, I think, because they are both gentler and literally fair. Women have a very strong sense of justice and will remember injustice and rebuke it to your face. Women, treat men with virtue and dignity: they are the simpler sex, because they are stronger and more direct in their thought and speech. They ought to give deference and respect to you and may remember to if you remind them. Don’t presume they are trying to slight you until you know for sure. Disrespect of sex means treating men like women or treating women like men, in a way that is insulting or degrading, and certainly doesn’t lift them up.

Respect Neighbors of their various varieties. Neighbors here I am using to mean “people you encounter in daily life”. Neighbors come in a few varieties. Friends, Allies, Strangers, Foreigners, and Enemies. Friends are people we like; Allies are people we have to work with; Strangers are people we don’t know; Foreigners are people we don’t understand; Enemies are people we don’t like. This is an extremely wide swathe of people, certainly a broad brush with which to paint generalizations. But it is important: Christ said to love our neighbors. Friends and Allies help us–treat them with respect because we need them in our lives. Strangers can become friends or allies; or they can become enemies–we don’t know and we should treat them kindly so if they do make the choice we know it’s not because of anything we did. Foreigners–people we don’t understand–should be treated with respect while we seek to understand them, and while they seek to understand us. Enemies we should respect in their human dignity but also in their capacity to harm us–custodial care of others requires respect of enemies. Christ said specifically to love our enemies, too. Disrespect of neighbors entails treating friends as enemies; strangers as friends or enemies–both ways unbefitting of someone we don’t know; foreigners without understanding, and not working with our allies.

There are, I am sure, exceptions to every rule, and I am sure there are more holes in this framework than a broken sieve, but I hope it is illustrative of my thoughts on the subject. Please, let me know what you think, and help me improve this framework.

AMDG

CLXXII – Command Presence

I’ve been thinking about the mix of personal experience, expertise, and authority that make up what I will refer to in shorthand as “command presence”. Command Presence as I am thinking of it here can come in three flavors: Negative, positive, and neutral. A negative presence means, given no additional information, when you speak people will tend to disagree with, act contrarily to, or denigrate what you say. A positive presence means people will tend to agree with, act in conformity with, or approbate what you say. A neutral presence means people will neither agree nor disagree.

I’ve been thinking about this because I have found that I tend to desire a positive command presence. I don’t think I am alone in this but I am certainly only aware of my own inclinations. It’s natural for people to want a positive command presence. People like to be listened to and like others to defer to them. It fuels pride, to a certain extent. And why shouldn’t it? If I have spent the last twenty years working with widgets, when I speak about widgets I would hope people listen.

Hoping people listen is an expectation. When I, a career widget worker, speak about widgets, my expectation is to demonstrate a positive command presence. If a crowd of people responds as if I had a negative command presence, I would naturally be very frustrated. Even worse, if I speak about widgets and someone else also speaks about widgets, but speaks contrariwise to what I say, both of us will expect deference from the other and both of us will be frustrated by the unwillingness of the other to do so. What we’re talking about is personal authority and, to a certain extent, respect.

If we take the position that everyone wants deference, we could restate that by saying that everyone wants respect. Respect is a milder form of deference, but nonetheless it is an element of being human. Respect is not the same as a positive command presence. I can disagree with someone and still show them respect, and vice versa.

Personal authority only exists within command structures, and it is fallacious to think it extends beyond that. If a three-star General retires and goes to a restaurant with his wife, he will not expect that everyone present salute him. Authority exists within context. Authority is different from command presence in that it adds in the ability to make someone else do some thing.

Let me pause to avoid confusion with the terms to which I am adding my own definition:

  • Command Presence – an individuals expectation of how they should be perceived
  • Respect – polite deference
  • Authority – An individuals ability, within a specific context, to effectuate some end either individually or through subordinates.

If I confuse command presence with authority, as I’ve defined them here, I might say “I am an authority on the subject of widgets, which gives me the ability to make you believe me.” The reality is that I expect you to believe me, and if we were at the Widget HQ, you would probably have to do what I say.

A fact about me is that I am an anxious person. As I understand it, my disposition is better than others but not so good as those who do not describe themselves as anxious people. One aspect of how this manifests in my life is what I describe as social anxiety. As my family can attest, for most of my life the idea of crowds has induced an anxiety reaction in me, so from what I can tell this is an innate aspect of my personality. Part of the reason crowds concern me is that I tend to cultivate in myself a negative command presence, which is to say, the expectation that what I say or do will be disagreed with, contravened, or denigrated. With age and wisdom I have been able to learn to act against this preconceived perception. After I graduated I worked as an Auditor, and going up to strangers at their own work place and asking them for their own work product was an instructive experience for me.

It helped me overcome an element of that negative command presence. Auditors are not a beloved people. I learned in my time in that role first that as an Auditor, I had authority in that context to ask for something; second that most people are generally willing to give polite deference even to people they may be unhappy to see. Authority need not be exercised apologetically: As mentioned in the comments of an earlier article, leadership involves issuing commands as commands and without reservation or explanation. What this tells me is that a neutral command presence is the best kind of command presence. Entering a situation with no expectation as to how other people perceive you, while extending to them polite deference and expecting polite deference in return, is a recipe for social success.

Everyone has some idea of how they would like to be perceived. Humility is the practice of acting against the desire to be perceived positively, and confidence is the practice of acting against the expectation of being perceived negatively. The end result is this neutral state.

The advantage of a neutral command presence is this idea from the Orthosphere, of “Spit no fire, eat no dirt”. If you don’t say anything you’ll regret, you won’t have to apologize for it later. Said another way, if you don’t have expectations then you’re never disappointed.

This most frequently comes up in discussions about religion. Naturally, religious conversations can get heated. No one acknowledges anyone else’s authority because the context is not academic; Everyone expects themselves to be deferred to and the others to defer, and no one does. If I enter these discussions with a new mindset, one of polite deference absent any expectation of deference for myself, not only will I spare myself some heartache but perhaps will have a more productive conversation, as the arms race of authority won’t begin right away. Or, if it does begins, I can be sure it won’t be me who has to eat dirt for it.

AMDG